⚠️Trigger warning⚠️ suicide is discussed as well as personality disorders and medical gaslighting
Authors note I started writing on 9/9/2026 realizing it would probably be long and it would probably take a fair amount of physical and emotional energy to write and for the sake of my neurological system as well as emotional processing It was best to break up the writing over days instead of all at once I have also opted to share this a little bit early on the evening prior to my father’s birthday.
Thomas Walter Weston Jr.
September 17 , 1968–March 7, 2012
Well today would have been my dad’s 58th birthday He was 43 at the time of his suicide. It seems weird to me now he has been absent or dead for almost as long as he was in my life I was 19 when he abruptly left us ( and even that wasn’t consistent) there was a period when I was little and it was just mom and I up until I was about 7 years old. ) Ironically in retrospect that period when I was younger and it was just mom and I was probably the most stable and because I wasn’t exposed to his emotionally unhealthy and at times erratic behavior ~ he was #bipolar and was not engaging in treatment .~
Also when I was younger my body hadn’t had the chance to give me quite as much trouble yet. Living with #cerebralpalsy as a 37 year old is a lot different than it was when I was 7. In fact at that time I used a manual wheelchair / walker to get around. Only getting my first power chair when I was 13 as my #spasticity was making things more difficult.
I state this because people with CP (brain injuries usually occur shortly before or after birth and is not considered progressive unlike neurological conditions such as Multiple sclerosis. Most of the time CP is a result of premature birth. Sometimes doctors take the medical literature too literally ( thinking CP doesn’t change over time.
Anyway I digress. The last time I saw my father was about 18 years. ago When his mental health spiraled abruptly in the summer of 2008; Making necessary to cut off contact with him for the sake of my wellbeing.
I know in our culture it is more popular and socially acceptable to always put a positive spin on everything (Toxic positivity drives me up the wall. )As I think it does a major disservice when it comes to having open authentic conversations about subjects that are emotionally challenging or painful.
Also given dad’s family has an extreme tendency to represent things in a far truthful light. They are probably fakest group of people I have ever met.
So my unglossed- over sharing when it comes difficult or challenging subjects is a rebellion to that I guess 😀 In all seriousness having a loved who is unwilling or unable to engage in #mentalhealthtreatment is not pretty ( While fully I recognize at the time of his death his mental state was altered. Suicide occurs when the emotional stressors exceed one’s ability to cope; and the suicidal person sees no way out of the pain the are in.
I very much differentiate between his mental state at the time of his death and the unhealthy emotionally damaging behaviors particularly how he went about things in relationships with women. Even saying he didn’t respect women because he didn’t respect himself. Also he never fully processed the emotional trauma of how my grandfather walked on him and the family when I was just a baby. The ghost of that abandonment and trauma weirdly hung around ~Sadly he had made recurring threats of abandonment during my childhood , particularly he was angry over relatively little things that wouldn’t warrant such an extreme reaction. I was told by my original therapist that I saw in the first 2 years after his death, she said I should in no way normalize my father’s behavior or how his side treated me for that matter. Even stating my choosing to not have contact with my father or his side of the family was the healthiest thing I could have done given the unhealthy dynamics.
With it also being #SuicidePreventionMonth while I do sometimes share #988Lifeline and encourage people to reach out if they are struggling~ as well as reminding people they are not alone. I do not believe suicide is always preventable. I genuinely believe that my dad’s Suicide was inevitable The reasons why suicide occurs are extremely complicated and complex and the messaging around suicide prevention are extremely simplistic and short sided. With that said if anyone reaches out to #988 and a suicide is prevented than it is worth it.. It is not lost on me that trump cut the funding to the LGBTQ+ youth specialized #988Lifeline
which is incredibly vindictive and cruel because suicide rates and suicide attempts are substantially higher than that of the non- LGBTQ+ peers . I feel extremely grateful to know that #GavinNewsom and California has stepped up in partnership with #TheTrevorProject so the specialized LGBTQ+ line and compassionate and appropriate support will continue .. I am and proud to live in a state that shows compassionate towards the LGBTQ+ community given the hateful climate
Sadly given that we are living under an authoritarian government in which Trump cares about no but himself and people can barely afford the basics if at all. Food, shelter and healthcare. All of which should be a basic #humanrights
As we are still living through a mass disabling event #covidisntmild #CovidIsNotOver both mom and myself are currently trying to get over a cold/ gi virus that we picked up when I was getting necessary care related to my CP in late August. Covid has a similar impact on the immune system as AIDS. I am genuinely sad when I think of the level of #medicalgaslighting that has occurred by our (both under trump 1.0 and Biden.) Unfortunately I do not see the covid denial going away any time soon. It baffles that so many people would almost willingly allow themselves to become disabled rather than #wearamask and #GetVaccinated to protect themselves Also covid will have negative impacts on mental health overall as navigating a chronic or complicated illness is challenging enough but will be even more difficult because of the fact the some people think that covid isn’t a real illness
As I write this section it is 9/10 I have the news on they are showing clips of the RNC convention what they are saying about Trump being so great it would be laughable if they weren’t calling for political violence against (what they are call extremists party democrats.)I genuinely am nervous about the midterm election given that Trump would gladly incite political violence ( with another version of #January6th ) It is worth mentioning the anniversary of Charlie Kirk is today so the Republicans who were so up and arms about anything that was less than positive about him are complete hypocrites. Also the fact the republicans are so hateful towards the LGBTQ+ community yet the site grinder tends to crash when there is a large group of them are in town is both amusing and sad at the same time because many Republicans must have hate for themselves and struggle to come to terms with their own sexuality
Prior to Donald Trump I never thought we would have a president that is so pathological, psychologically and neurologically severely unwell. The fact that Trump claimed falsely that he was rescued on 9/11 by two firefighters near ground zero is just scary and sad.. if Joe Biden had said everything remotely like that he would have been 25th amendmentted on the spot The irony isn’t lost on me that joe Biden who is 83 years old and currently has cancer stood for hours at 9/11 memorial while names of those who were lost that day were read…And trump himself fell asleep. So who is really the sleepy one? #sleepytrump I have to be extremely mindful of how much news I take in, especially Trump himself given how incoherent and vile Trump’s rambling have gotten. Between the fact that he is often manic due to the drugs they are giving him and his #personalitydisorders it hits a little too close home. Given I also have had exposure to personality disorders on both sides of my family .. so I have mindful so my #ptsd doesn’t get set off. Which can impact my neurological system. Given the #mindbodyconnection with today being the 25th anniversary of 9/11 my neurological system is not at my baseline although I am not surprised because of physical and emotional stressors currently impacting my neurological system it would actually seem kind of strange to me at this point if my neurological was at baseline given how weird things have gotten in the world. My therapist has said it is to be expected and not to be hard on myself because we are not living in normal times. If I am being honest there has been times I have been more than a little irritated and pissed off at my dad in the 14 years since his suicide this year is definitely one of those years. Given that dad didn’t cope well with his emotional stuff well, or maybe a better way to put it is he didn’t deal with his emotional issues at all. I have spent the last 18 years dealing with his emotional messes stemming from his inability cope; I am just tired with that said if #suicidelosssurvivor expresses anger towards their loved one please do not guilt or shame them for it comes with territory for the of navigating #complicatedgrief I share this because I have had this happen to me a couple of times by other suicide loss survivors who have seemed uncomfortable with me expressing any anger about the impact of his unhealthy behaviors.
No suicide loss survivor has the same experience or relationship with their loved so the grief process looks different for everyone.. As reminder today be kind to suicide loss survivors as well as those who are struggling. passing judgment while human nature, but it doesn’t help and makes them less likely to be honest about their feelings.
Christinesjourney8 ~ Instagram blog 