We are a culture in crisis

Trigger warning:
Suicide discussed if you struggling please reach out for help ithere is no shame in seeking help and support. Please know you are not alone ❤️ there are people that want to help. If you have experienced a suicide loss please know you’re loved one’s death is not your fault. . Suicide is not 100% preventable. Although I still encourage people to seek help and there is no shame in doing so. Suicide occurs for multilayered reasons that very are complex aand complicated.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
The resources and information on this page are designed to help states, territories, tribes, mental health and substance use disorder professionals, and others looking for information on understanding the background, history, funding opportunities, and implementation resources for strengthening suicide prevention and mental health crisis services

FRIENDS FOR SURVIVAL

We are a 501(c) (3) tax-exempt charitable, national non-profit bereavement outreach organization available to those who are grieving a suicide death of family or friends. We also assist professionals who work with those who are grieving a suicide tragedy. Friends For Survival, organized by and for survivors, has been offering suicide bereavement support services since 1983. All staff and volunteers have been directly impacted by a suicide death
https://friendsforsurvival.org/
Offering Help After A Suicide Death
(916) 392-0664
Toll Free: (800) 646-7322

The last few days have been particularly difficult. I am writing with a heavy heart and anxious mind. I have a family member who’s mental health and well-being is in crisis. I have been feeling as if the other shoe is going to drop if something does not change soon. The cold hard reality is you can’t force someone into treatment for the disease of alcoholism or other types of mental health treatment. Nor is suicide 100% preventable as we would like to believe like many suicide loss survivors I have at times struggled with questions of ‘Is there anything I could have done differently?” That could have prevented the nightmarish reality of my father dying by suicide in 2012, Deep down I know I couldn’t and understand that sadly I know that our estrangedment was necessary to protect myself from his unhealthy behavior.

It is heartbreaking to know that my cousin is in such emotional pain he feels it would be better to take his own life. It takes me back to when my dad first walked out and the reality of his bipolar illness was finally acknowledged, and I had no idea what to do other than the overwhelming feeling I had to protect myself given the way his life was spiraling out of control. On a side note based on my experiences in childhood it is best to be as honest as you can with children about a family member’s mental illness or suicide death in terms that are age appropriate denying the issue only compounds the issue later on.

In the years since my dad’s suicide I have done what I could to educate myself and advocate for those of us who live with mental illness and have experienced a suicide loss. I will admit as a person who lives with severe anxiety I sometimes feel like my efforts are insignificant and a drop in the bucket to what our culture truly needs in terms of the mental health crisis that our nation and world is facing. Particularly given I am not a mental health professional, sometimes I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. As I write I am not at all sure what the completed piece of writing will look like. If I am being honest I am writing as a means to manage my anxiety and process my trauma. As difficult as it is to write about the pain of having a family member who is struggling and feeling absolutely powerless as to how to help and knowing deep down a tragic outcome may be inevitable.The circumstances are already tragic although he still living,I realized i needed to do something healthy and constructive, Given my neurological systems trauma based responses it was clear I couldn’t avoid my feelings even if i wanted to doing so would only make things worse.
We are experiencing a mental health and cultural crisis the likes of which our society and world has never seen. In years since Trump was elected I have wondered how we got here as a country and society.Although Trump lost the election and the election was free and fair as it was probably our nation’s most scrutinized elections: yet nearly half the country has fallen hook line and sinker for Trump’s election lies. As I began writing this the story of Paul Pelosi being attacked during a home invasion had just broke The hammer wielding attacker uttering the phrase ‘where ‘s Nancy? Which was also chanted during the violent insurrection that took place on January 6th although some have chosen to whitewash the violence of that day, calling it a visitors day.

Denial is a very dangerous and deadly thing in terms of mental illness as I watched how my father’s life ended under the tragic circumstance of suicide. I deeply fear I will have to live through a tragic outcome with my cousin that he will not be able to come back from. The collective denial of what used to be the Republican Party: has become the extreme cult of trumpism and has had violent and deadly consequences for world, society and culture. It still boggles my mind that Donald Trump was able to be elected and cause such chaos within our political system and put our very democracy at risk. The notion that we had a president that has multiple accusations of rape and his vile attitude towards woman has been well documented, you need not look any further than the access Hollywood tape. Disgusts me. He has espoused hate and prejudice towards every minority group. The sad part is that is why he got elected. He certainly was not qualified, not to mention malignant narcissist who is very emotionally unwell.

Now we are living in a society where a whole political party is trying to dismantle fundamental human rights and vital social support. Many people do not have access to adequate healthcare which has only got worse since the pandemic. Some people have chosen to believe the pandemic is over. It is not in any way over this denial of reality that is putting everyone’s health at risk. Particularly those of us who live with chronic conditions, The Covid-19’ pandemic will affect our world for generations to come in ways we can’t possibly fully understand yet. This narrative that everything is suddenly back to normal is just flat out false., although I suppose it is easier for some to live in denial than fear the unknown. For me I would much rather live in reality then live in a world of denial at least that way I can do what I can to bring about positive changes in our society. We are in desperate need of quality mental health services and support. We already did not have enough pre pandemic. The need has only grown exponentially.
I recently found out through the experience of a friend that if you need in patient psychiatric hospitalization and you have medical equipment such as a wheelchair you can’t be admitted to a psychiatric as the wheelchair is considered a liability to the hospital,I later confirmed this with my psychologist, she said she has seen patients with something as simple as a CPAP machine: which is used to treat sleep apnea: wait in the er for a very long time because the CPAP Is considered a liability. There are very few medical/ psychiatric beds available meaning if you have any chronic condition you may very well be shit out of luck. This is an incredibly ableist view and policy. Given that most Americans are not the ideal specimen of health.

This all while we are living in a backdrop of people who would rather tear things down in terms of social supports and services instead of building things up, Having the attitude that people should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps is an extremely callous and cold view of the world. It is a denial of the human struggle, That is real even if it differs from your own life experiences. With ten day left until the midterm election I hope with use the voices as well the votes to reject the denial that has come with trumpism. Because as i said denial is a very dangerous thing

When someone sees only your disability

Recently I realized someone I really cared about only sees my disability when he looks at me. It is sad when you get to know people who don’t have a disability: you hope they see all of you as a person. As your disability is only part of you. It is not your authentic being or true core self. People have many different life experiences and aspects to their authentic being. I am many things, Made up of multifaceted parts of my personality

I am a woman who is very concerned about what is happening in this country when it comes to roe vs wade . I never thought in this country we would regress so far and what had been settled law since 1973. Giving women the right to have safe access to abortion. Is now no longer a legally protected right In at least 13 states woman are no longer able to safely to access abortion at any point in a pregnancy Even when a mothers life becomes at risk or in the instances of pregnancy loss doctors can no longer perform D&C ‘s to clean out the lining of a womans uterus if after a pregnancy loss which is an essential part of reproductive care to prevent sepsis if any tissue of the nonvible fetus remains this puts womens lives at risk . There many life circumstances that lead woman to the difficult decision to end a pregnancy extreme poverty, the pregnancy is a result of rape or incest, no woman who has indured such a trauma should ever be forced to carry a child against her will. This is also true for women in abusive relationships as a pregnancy has the potential to to cause the violence to escalate at the hands of the abuser.

It is also important to say there are also times when wanted pregnancies are found to have abnormalities that are incompatible with human life and the difficult decision is made to terminate the pregnancy. Some people would like to wrap things in a neat and tidy little bow and life is not that simple.

I myself as a teenager had challenges in regards to my reproductive health as I had difficulties with my menstrual cycles as they were very prolonged. After some investigation on the part of my gynecologist it was realized I had a condition called von willebrand’s disease. It is a mild form of hemophilia. I was 13 at the time my von willebrand’s was discovered. By that time I had struggled with my menstrual cycles for three years as I started my periods at age ten. In spite of my von willebrand’s being mild my periods continued to be very problematic to my quality of life. Being that I would bleed for months at a time, in spite of being on medication for the von willebrand’s and oral contraceptive to regulate my cycles.

At age 14 it was discovered I had underactive thyroid and primary pituitary failure that was a result of my brain injury, the same injury that caused my cerebral palsy as I was born at 32 weeks. During this time the issue of my pituitary was discovered I began to suffer migraine headaches. After completing an mri my doctor became concerned I could have a small tumor at the base of my pituitary gland.

It was shortly after this discovery that I remember a notable conversation with my hematologist that changed everything in my mind in ways that no one knew not even my mother knew til later. He said my pituitary issue and von wiliebrands were like the perfect storm if it wasn’t for my brain injury my periods would become more manageable given my von williebrand’s was such a mild case. I should say I by the time my von williebrand’s was discovered I would have had around 10 or 11 surgeries with no sign of any bleeding issues it was only discovered after specialized testing was performed. So it made perfect sense to me that my brain injury is what had made my periods impossible to control.

It was at this time unbeknownst to my mother I started to Google what my medical options were In terms of managing the bleeding as a was starting to realize I couldn’t not continue to live with the bleeding the way it was. particularly because my muscles spasticity was beginning to also worsen during this time and oral medication were becoming less effective. Von willebrand’s disease is a genetic disorder and there was a 50% chance I could pass on the von willebrand’s to any children I may have this coupled with the concern for what happened if I did get pregnant not just to my health but also the health of my unborn baby I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea that my child may have to endure the medical things that I had. I always tried to make the best of it but there is no denying it took a physical and emotional toll on me. It was at age 14 I realized children weren’t in the cards. This wasn’t an easy decision to come to for me as I have always loved children: I was aware there was other ways to be around and help children. Although I wasn’t sure what that would look like for me yet.

Meanwhile I continued my Google searches unbeknownst to anyone. It was during one of these searches I first discovered what a hysterectomy was. Being fully aware it was permanent I sat on it for about two or three months, before I went to my mother and told her about my Google searches and my coming to the conclusion children were not in the cards for me. I also stated at that time if push came to shove I was more than willing to have a hysterectomy. As I realized the toll on my physical and mental health was becoming too great for me to bear, and intervention was very much necessary to protect my quality of life. Needless to say she was stunned. It was shortly after this I had a visit with my gynecologist I brought up my conversation with my mother and hysterectomy being an option for me. After some discussion my gynecologist asked me to wait 6 more months as she had just started me on the Depo-Provera shot to try to stop me bleeding and It can take up to six months for menstrual cycles to settle after changing medication. If I still was miserable and wanted to have a hysterectomy she would support my decision and perform it.

I wanted to stress that my gynecologist got to know me well over a one or two year period. She was also very aware I was struggling with my spasticity. I was considering the option of having a baclofen pump put in to better control my spasticity. My physical medicine and rehabilitation doctor was nervous about doing so given my history of seizures as well as the other major risks the pump carried. The pump does very much carry life threatening risks. Around that same time I began to experience abdominal spasms that my Pm&r doctor was concerned were brought on by an ovarian cyst that was being overlooked. He wanted me to have a consultation with the gynecological specialist at the hospital as he was hoping they would do a laparoscopy to check for a cyst.

So a month or two later myself, and both my mom and dad went to see the specialist as he had asked. It was clear from the get go however they were concerned I was doctor shopping for someone to do the hysterectomy which wasn’t the case. Granted I do take into account they were concerns given my age. There was the reality that there was a dark time in American history when the disabled were sterilized against their will, which is not at all ok. Having said that, I was in no way forced into considering a hysterectomy and there was also the fact that I had been bleeding for close to six months by the time I came to see them. And in the bigger I had struggled with my menstrual cycles for nearly 5 years. Which weirdly they seemed to gloss over as if it were nothing significant. We left with them saying I shouldn’t make any reproductive decisions until I was 21, they also did not want to perform a laparoscopy which is the whole reason my pm&r doctor sent us to see the specialist. He himself later apologized for sending us there. Saying I thought they would help you.

A short time later I had a follow up with my gynecologist and we shared what had happened. She agreed to do the laparoscopy to ensure that nothing was being overlooked. It was scheduled for a month or so later. I didn’t have an ovarian cyst in fact my reproductive organs looked perfect. It was realized that my abdominal muscles did not relax under full body anesthesia and my gynecologist had no doubt how much pain and discomfort I was experiencing due to my spasticity. It was apparent that we would need to investigate whether the baclofen pump was a realistic option for me more seriously. A few weeks after my laparoscopy I had a follow up appointment with my gynecologist, By that time I had been on Depo-Provera for six months with no improvement in my bleeding. So after much discussion it was decided I would indeed have a hysterectomy, so two weeks into my freshman year of high school I had the surgery when I was 15. At the time I had been on my period for 8 and a half months.That was over 18 years ago.

As difficult as that decision was, it was the right choice for me. Particularly given what I have dealt with in my adulthood having lost a father to suicide in 2012, my great grandfather also died by suicide, Given this am grateful I am that my gynecologist took the time to get to me and respect my right as woman to make decisions about my own body. Being that we are dealing so much in our culture and so many children are struggling I would much rather give my time and attention to a child who is already here in the ways that I can rather than bring one into the world. It my hope that we do all we can as a society to protect a woman’s right to choose.

Final thought when you meet a person who lives with a disability stop to realize that their disability is only one part of their identity as we as people are made up of many intersectional identities.

Day 29

Originally written for writing you grief course done by Refuge in grief in October 2022. Day 29 of 30

Day 29

I write this story because my father lived with bipolar disorder that he wasn’t engaging in treatment for, I write this story because he died by suicide. This isn’t a story I ever imagined having to write this isn’t a story any suicide loss survivor wants to write it is not a story at all for people who have lost a loved a one to suicide it is a heartbreaking gut punching reality. Some suicide loss survivors do not openly talk about this reality at all out of fear of the stigma and rejection, I myself have been stigmatized and rejected by people I mistakenly believed would always be there for me. One of these people saying it is important to remain positive in every situation. Not understanding the pain and trauma attached to suicide. It is even worse that this person that didn’t even want to try to understand the reality and pain that comes with a suicide loss, Mamy people would rather not hear about this reality. The word suicide makes people very uncomfortable.

Suicide is a painful reality for millions of us, this is the reason I write the story no one wants to write. I share my pain so that other suicide loss survivors know that they are not alone on this difficult and painful journey. I share this reality to reduce the stigma attached to suicide. I share my pain as a way to honor my father even though it can be difficult to do so.

Day 8

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in September 2022

Well this is an easy one the people I have met at friends for survival which offers support to those impacted by suicide loss. I am fortunate it is a local organization based in Sacramento. I have been able to attend in person support group meetings; as well as zoom meetings that they have started since the pandemic.

Friends for survival was founded in 1982 by two mothers Chris Moon and Marilyn Koenig who both experienced the suicide death of teenage sons. Marilyn doesn’t know it but she is my guiding star. I deeply admire how she has been able to turn her emotional pain into something that has brought about healing and comfort to those of us who have greatly impacted by suicide. I hope I can do the same in my own way . Shedding light on the realities of navigating life after suicide. She is also a good role model for what a healthy, compassionate and caring grandmother would look like. My dad’s mother Lena is anything but that. I have great empathy for my dad being raised by such unhealthy and frankly uncaring people. I do not want to model myself like either of them. And would want nothing to do with them. Although my dad’s parents are still living. So Marilyn has become a role model for how I would like to treat people even in the face of great emotional pain

https://friendsforsurvival.org/

Day 3

Originally written for writing your grief course day 3 of 30 in September 2022

Day 3

I know live is vastly different from my old landscape.sometimes I see parts of my old landscape are still there only to than realize another parts have completely changed. This landscape has many baffling twists and turns that our society doesn’t want to acknowledge, much less try to understand. Where I live involves suicide, mental illness and self destruction these are things that don’t came with simple answers. They are messy and complicated to navigate in a world that expects us to be positive and happy at all times. Where I live I am sometimes judged for being honest for the very nature of my loss. I am also sometimes judged for acknowledging my often complicated and mixed feelings around my dad’s behavior at the beininihg of his self destruction and spinal deeper intro bipolar illness once which took place over four years. His destruction not only hurt him but mom and myself. And I live in a world that says only remember the good. Some of the things that come with mental illness is anything but good . Where I live now includes PTSD reactions to gun violence and fireworks where they once never existed

Day 2

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in September 2022. Day 2 of 30

Today writing is going to be short and sweet as I have a had a very difficult day. I was supposed to have a fasting blood work today this didn’t not go as planed Fasted for 12 hours . Today because my neurological system can be set off by anything ( including a hennaill. I was told this by one of my Pm&r doctors that managed stuff .related to my CP and spasticity. . Anyway today I woke up and got sick to my stomach because I sometimes get abdominal spasms . I after that I still continued to still get ready. Also we were going to have to work there given our van with a wheelchair left needs to isn’t working well and because of covid it is taking longer to get it into the shop. When it was time to get into my wheelchair I was struggling to get in my wheelchair I tried several times and was not able to given my muscles were more stiff and I was extremely tired so we opted to cancel my appointment The physician assistant wasn’t happy. Granted I hadn’t had any bloodwork for a year/ this is in large part because their office not being able to schedule it.

I can tell my neurological system hasn’t been at baseline with dad”s birthday coming up I have been more emotional as well as my spasticity being more severe. I also have been dealing with bad allergies which also make my spasticity worse. WHen the physician assistant called I tried to explain this.. Obviously I didn’t explain well It must of come off that I was just blowing off my appointment/ ot something instead of it being clear that between cp plus the fact that I am navigating grief sometimes my body does not corporate dispite my best effort’s. What people don’t know about grief is it can be emotionally and physically exhausted. I sometimes feel like in am caught between a rook in s hard place navigating a chronic illness and a traumatic loss. I wish that the medical community had a better understanding of grief and its affect on the body . Grief is like an emotional hangnail no one can see. Sadly sometimes it is not always safe to show people it is there. Even if you do they may not understand.

Day 1

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief . Day 1 0f 30

Trigger warning the following references gun violence and suicide If you’re struggling Please reach out by dialing 988 the national suicide prevention and crisis lifeline. There is no shame in seeking help. It is a sign of strength Please know you are not alone❤️

Life as I knew it ended on March 7th of 2012, I am not the person used to be; I often say when the bullet entered my dad’s body that day it took multiple lives if not physically emotionally by forever changing the emotional landscape of my very being. It shouthanld be should be said that for every completed suicide, there is at least a minimum of six suicide loss survivors left behind struggling to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and hearts. I am only one of many. Who I used to did not have the fear of ‘what if dad or family comes up? Is it safe to be honest? I have to say the stigma around suicide is just as painful as the death itself. Suicide has a way of showing you who your real friends and family are.Sadly the person I used to be couldn’t have imagined have all the secondary losses I would have to deal with as a result of the casualties of stigma associated with mental illness and suicide loss. Instead of comfort and love from those closest to you at the mention of the word “suicide” you can be met with uncomfortable looks and awkward silence. As well as the attitude you shouldn’t talk about your or their suicide to avoid making others uncomfortable. Although it is not always explicitly said it is definitely felt

Although I am well aware there are some who would rather I shut up about the realities of suicide loss, mental illness and the affect of not dealing with one’s mental health on our culture. It is necessary for my healing. I also know that part of the reason that my dad is in his grave is his refusal to deal with his emotional pain in a healthy way and eventually his pain got too great he saw no other way out. Aa much as I understand my dad was unwell I can’t say I am ok or appreciate having to deal with the ramifications of his unhealthy behaviors which will have a lasting effect on me for the rest of my life wether I like it or not. This is something the person I used to be didn’t have to deal with. Dealing with this clusterfuck of complicated emotions can be emotionally and physically exhausting and it doesn’t do my neurological system any favors as I write this what would have been dad’s 54th birthday is fast approaching on 9/17. So I am in self care mode as my neurological system is staging one of Its

protest doctors who are aware that I have experienced a suicide loss have assured this is completely normal particularly given I have an undying neurological condition. I will say i have found comfort in attending suicide loss survivor meeting although i wish none of of us needed to be there. Under the circumstances I am grateful such meetings exist .

Introduction

This post was originally written for a your grief course done by Refugengrief in September 2022

Hi all,

My name is Christine Weston. I live with my mom and our pug NIkki. She is a great emotional support for both of us. We live in Sacramento CA. I have lived there my entire life. I was born with cerebral palsy. I use a power char to get around . As my lower limbs are the most affected by my spasticity. I am also a congenital amputee ( missing my right arm above the elbow as a rare condition that the cause of which is not fully understood, It also affected my left hand at birth and my fingers with exception of my thumb were fused. (It looked like a mitten) The process of separating them started when I was about a year old. It took two to three surgeries to separate them. So those fingers don’t look like typical fingers with nails. In my case none of my birth defects were caused by drug or alcohol use on my mother’s part. I say that because its a common assumption i”ve encountered over the years.

If at any point i write something in reference to my condition and you have a question feel free to ask. I will do my best to explain in my writings. Many people have comorbidities associated with the CP. ( as it is known by for short) i have a couple of conditions directly related to my CP as it impacts how well my neurological system functions. My medical conditions and experiences will undoubtedly come up. As i now know, they are a source of grief. Given that grief comes in my forms and my different type of losses, not just death. Which I admit I didn’t know until I entered therapy in 2012. Which l looking is not surprising given the understanding of grief in our culture sucks! As i know all of us here understand all too well😭

What Brings Me Here

On March, 7,2012 i lost my dad to suicide after he succumbed to his mental illness. At the time of his death he and i were estranged following his abruptly walking out on my mom and i in 2008 just a few short weeks after my high school graduation i was 19 years at the time. He went on a camping trip only to never return home. We did know where he was; he was staying with Lena (my grandmother) I refuse to call her that though. Let’s just say in the 4 years after he left and following his death his side of the family was quite cruel to me. I haven’t spoken to them since his funeral. When my dad initially left i tried to engage with him unfortunately given he had bipolar disorder that he hadn’t been engaging in treatment for my whole childhood. Although he received his diagnosis when I was a baby following a previous suicide attempt

I wasn’t formally made aware of his illness until after he left although I had my suspicions that there was something going was going on with my dads mental health. His behavior could be very erratic at times So much so I specifically asked my mom if there was anything going on with my dads mental health I should know a couple times ss a teenager. At the time she didn’t acknowledge it out of fear of rocking the boat.

I was relieved as well as angry at the time given that i wasn’t told the truth when I asked i was also relived to know that my instincts were correct and there was a reason for his erratic behavior during my childhood. Not to mention aspect of my childhood made a whole lot more sense. My parents formally divorced when I three years old during which time he was MIA as a parent i would later come to learn at that time in terms of his mental health he was not doing well. So it was just mom and I until they reconciled when i was seven although they never legally remarried. In many ways own nightmare began in June of 2008. I know it is not uncommon for people who die by suicide to emotionally distance themselves from their loved ones even many years prior to their physical deaths.

Just a little note about the language around suicide I use the term died by suicide very intentionally instead of the culturally ingrained term committed suicide. Committed is most often associated with criminality and sadly also in some states still have laws on the books making attempted suicide illegal. So in recent years there has been a lot of effort from mental health organizations to change the laws as well as shift the language used around suicide. In order to reduce the stigma around mental illness and suicide loss. I want to stress I myself didn’t know all this until doing some research online after by dads death. In an effort to figure out “where in the fuck to I go from here.’ So no worries if anyone slips up and uses the word committed i will not be offended, i used the term before I know better and I realize it is culturally ingrained and change takes times. Nevertheless I feel it is important to educate in order to reduce the stigma associated with suicide loss.

The reason go extensively in to the background of my dad’s and relationship is my feelings can be very complicated at times. At a certain point after my dads leaving it became very apparent after numerous attempts to engage with him and realizing he was unwilling or unable to engage in a emotionally healthy or meaningful way. It was necessary to protect myself from him given his emotionally downward spiral which came to its tragic ending on march 7th 2012 just two days after my 23th birthday: needless to say I don’t look forward to my birthday because I know what is coming shortly after..

I know my dad did what he did because at that time he saw no other way out to end his emotional pain suicide happens when emotionally pain exceeds the person ability to cope. With that said am not always okay with how he treated my mom and i when he was living. He certainly didn’t navigate things in a healthy way. Which has hurt myself and mom in way that we will have to deal with for the rest of our lives Which i am not thrilled about if being totally honest/

My apologies for this being so long and any typos I have made and didn’t catch i am prone to making errors sometimes due to my brain injury that caused CP.