Tag: PTSD

Day 3

Originally written for writing your grief course day 3 of 30 in September 2022

Day 3

I know live is vastly different from my old landscape.sometimes I see parts of my old landscape are still there only to than realize another parts have completely changed. This landscape has many baffling twists and turns that our society doesn’t want to acknowledge, much less try to understand. Where I live involves suicide, mental illness and self destruction these are things that don’t came with simple answers. They are messy and complicated to navigate in a world that expects us to be positive and happy at all times. Where I live I am sometimes judged for being honest for the very nature of my loss. I am also sometimes judged for acknowledging my often complicated and mixed feelings around my dad’s behavior at the beininihg of his self destruction and spinal deeper intro bipolar illness once which took place over four years. His destruction not only hurt him but mom and myself. And I live in a world that says only remember the good. Some of the things that come with mental illness is anything but good . Where I live now includes PTSD reactions to gun violence and fireworks where they once never existed

Day 2

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in September 2022. Day 2 of 30

 Today writing is going to be short and sweet as  I have a had a very difficult day. I was supposed to have a fasting blood work today this didn’t not go as planed Fasted for 12 hours . Today because my neurological system can be set off by anything ( including a hennaill.  I was told this by one of my Pm&r doctors that managed stuff .related to my CP and spasticity. . Anyway today I woke up and got sick to my stomach because I sometimes get abdominal spasms .  I after that I still continued to still get ready. Also  we were going to have to work there given our van with a wheelchair left needs to isn’t working well and because of covid it is taking longer  to get it into the shop.  When it was time to get into my wheelchair I  was struggling to get in my wheelchair I tried several times and was not able to given my muscles  were more stiff and I  was extremely tired so we opted to cancel my appointment The physician assistant wasn’t happy. Granted I hadn’t had any bloodwork for a year/  this  is in large part because their office not being able to schedule it.

 I can tell my neurological system hasn’t been at baseline with dad”s birthday coming up I have been more emotional as well as my spasticity being more severe. I also  have been dealing with bad allergies which also  make my spasticity worse.  WHen the  physician assistant called I tried to explain this.. Obviously I didn’t explain well  It must of come off that I was just blowing off my appointment/ ot something instead of it being clear that between  cp  plus the fact that I am navigating grief  sometimes my body does not corporate dispite  my best effort’s.   What people don’t know about grief is it can be emotionally and physically exhausted. I sometimes feel  like in am caught between a rook in s hard place navigating a chronic illness and a traumatic loss.  I wish that the medical community had a better understanding of grief and its affect  on the body . Grief is like an emotional hangnail no one can  see.  Sadly sometimes it is not always safe to  show people it is there. Even if you do they may not understand.