Day 29

Originally written for writing you grief course done by Refuge in grief in October 2022. Day 29 of 30

Day 29

I write this story because my father lived with bipolar disorder that he wasn’t engaging in treatment for, I write this story because he died by suicide. This isn’t a story I ever imagined having to write this isn’t a story any suicide loss survivor wants to write it is not a story at all for people who have lost a loved a one to suicide it is a heartbreaking gut punching reality. Some suicide loss survivors do not openly talk about this reality at all out of fear of the stigma and rejection, I myself have been stigmatized and rejected by people I mistakenly believed would always be there for me. One of these people saying it is important to remain positive in every situation. Not understanding the pain and trauma attached to suicide. It is even worse that this person that didn’t even want to try to understand the reality and pain that comes with a suicide loss, Mamy people would rather not hear about this reality. The word suicide makes people very uncomfortable.

Suicide is a painful reality for millions of us, this is the reason I write the story no one wants to write. I share my pain so that other suicide loss survivors know that they are not alone on this difficult and painful journey. I share this reality to reduce the stigma attached to suicide. I share my pain as a way to honor my father even though it can be difficult to do so.

Day 8

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in September 2022

Well this is an easy one the people I have met at friends for survival which offers support to those impacted by suicide loss. I am fortunate it is a local organization based in Sacramento. I have been able to attend in person support group meetings; as well as zoom meetings that they have started since the pandemic.

Friends for survival was founded in 1982 by two mothers Chris Moon and Marilyn Koenig who both experienced the suicide death of teenage sons. Marilyn doesn’t know it but she is my guiding star. I deeply admire how she has been able to turn her emotional pain into something that has brought about healing and comfort to those of us who have greatly impacted by suicide. I hope I can do the same in my own way . Shedding light on the realities of navigating life after suicide. She is also a good role model for what a healthy, compassionate and caring grandmother would look like. My dad’s mother Lena is anything but that. I have great empathy for my dad being raised by such unhealthy and frankly uncaring people. I do not want to model myself like either of them. And would want nothing to do with them. Although my dad’s parents are still living. So Marilyn has become a role model for how I would like to treat people even in the face of great emotional pain

https://friendsforsurvival.org/

Day 3

Originally written for writing your grief course day 3 of 30 in September 2022

Day 3

I know live is vastly different from my old landscape.sometimes I see parts of my old landscape are still there only to than realize another parts have completely changed. This landscape has many baffling twists and turns that our society doesn’t want to acknowledge, much less try to understand. Where I live involves suicide, mental illness and self destruction these are things that don’t came with simple answers. They are messy and complicated to navigate in a world that expects us to be positive and happy at all times. Where I live I am sometimes judged for being honest for the very nature of my loss. I am also sometimes judged for acknowledging my often complicated and mixed feelings around my dad’s behavior at the beininihg of his self destruction and spinal deeper intro bipolar illness once which took place over four years. His destruction not only hurt him but mom and myself. And I live in a world that says only remember the good. Some of the things that come with mental illness is anything but good . Where I live now includes PTSD reactions to gun violence and fireworks where they once never existed

Day 2

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in September 2022. Day 2 of 30

Today writing is going to be short and sweet as I have a had a very difficult day. I was supposed to have a fasting blood work today this didn’t not go as planed Fasted for 12 hours . Today because my neurological system can be set off by anything ( including a hennaill. I was told this by one of my Pm&r doctors that managed stuff .related to my CP and spasticity. . Anyway today I woke up and got sick to my stomach because I sometimes get abdominal spasms . I after that I still continued to still get ready. Also we were going to have to work there given our van with a wheelchair left needs to isn’t working well and because of covid it is taking longer to get it into the shop. When it was time to get into my wheelchair I was struggling to get in my wheelchair I tried several times and was not able to given my muscles were more stiff and I was extremely tired so we opted to cancel my appointment The physician assistant wasn’t happy. Granted I hadn’t had any bloodwork for a year/ this is in large part because their office not being able to schedule it.

I can tell my neurological system hasn’t been at baseline with dad”s birthday coming up I have been more emotional as well as my spasticity being more severe. I also have been dealing with bad allergies which also make my spasticity worse. WHen the physician assistant called I tried to explain this.. Obviously I didn’t explain well It must of come off that I was just blowing off my appointment/ ot something instead of it being clear that between cp plus the fact that I am navigating grief sometimes my body does not corporate dispite my best effort’s. What people don’t know about grief is it can be emotionally and physically exhausted. I sometimes feel like in am caught between a rook in s hard place navigating a chronic illness and a traumatic loss. I wish that the medical community had a better understanding of grief and its affect on the body . Grief is like an emotional hangnail no one can see. Sadly sometimes it is not always safe to show people it is there. Even if you do they may not understand.

Day 1

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief . Day 1 0f 30

Trigger warning the following references gun violence and suicide If you’re struggling Please reach out by dialing 988 the national suicide prevention and crisis lifeline. There is no shame in seeking help. It is a sign of strength Please know you are not alone❤️

Life as I knew it ended on March 7th of 2012, I am not the person used to be; I often say when the bullet entered my dad’s body that day it took multiple lives if not physically emotionally by forever changing the emotional landscape of my very being. It shouthanld be should be said that for every completed suicide, there is at least a minimum of six suicide loss survivors left behind struggling to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and hearts. I am only one of many. Who I used to did not have the fear of ‘what if dad or family comes up? Is it safe to be honest? I have to say the stigma around suicide is just as painful as the death itself. Suicide has a way of showing you who your real friends and family are.Sadly the person I used to be couldn’t have imagined have all the secondary losses I would have to deal with as a result of the casualties of stigma associated with mental illness and suicide loss. Instead of comfort and love from those closest to you at the mention of the word “suicide” you can be met with uncomfortable looks and awkward silence. As well as the attitude you shouldn’t talk about your or their suicide to avoid making others uncomfortable. Although it is not always explicitly said it is definitely felt

Although I am well aware there are some who would rather I shut up about the realities of suicide loss, mental illness and the affect of not dealing with one’s mental health on our culture. It is necessary for my healing. I also know that part of the reason that my dad is in his grave is his refusal to deal with his emotional pain in a healthy way and eventually his pain got too great he saw no other way out. Aa much as I understand my dad was unwell I can’t say I am ok or appreciate having to deal with the ramifications of his unhealthy behaviors which will have a lasting effect on me for the rest of my life wether I like it or not. This is something the person I used to be didn’t have to deal with. Dealing with this clusterfuck of complicated emotions can be emotionally and physically exhausting and it doesn’t do my neurological system any favors as I write this what would have been dad’s 54th birthday is fast approaching on 9/17. So I am in self care mode as my neurological system is staging one of Its

protest doctors who are aware that I have experienced a suicide loss have assured this is completely normal particularly given I have an undying neurological condition. I will say i have found comfort in attending suicide loss survivor meeting although i wish none of of us needed to be there. Under the circumstances I am grateful such meetings exist .

Introduction

This post was originally written for a your grief course done by Refugengrief in September 2022

Hi all,

My name is Christine Weston. I live with my mom and our pug NIkki. She is a great emotional support for both of us. We live in Sacramento CA. I have lived there my entire life. I was born with cerebral palsy. I use a power char to get around . As my lower limbs are the most affected by my spasticity. I am also a congenital amputee ( missing my right arm above the elbow as a rare condition that the cause of which is not fully understood, It also affected my left hand at birth and my fingers with exception of my thumb were fused. (It looked like a mitten) The process of separating them started when I was about a year old. It took two to three surgeries to separate them. So those fingers don’t look like typical fingers with nails. In my case none of my birth defects were caused by drug or alcohol use on my mother’s part. I say that because its a common assumption i”ve encountered over the years.

If at any point i write something in reference to my condition and you have a question feel free to ask. I will do my best to explain in my writings. Many people have comorbidities associated with the CP. ( as it is known by for short) i have a couple of conditions directly related to my CP as it impacts how well my neurological system functions. My medical conditions and experiences will undoubtedly come up. As i now know, they are a source of grief. Given that grief comes in my forms and my different type of losses, not just death. Which I admit I didn’t know until I entered therapy in 2012. Which l looking is not surprising given the understanding of grief in our culture sucks! As i know all of us here understand all too well😭

What Brings Me Here

On March, 7,2012 i lost my dad to suicide after he succumbed to his mental illness. At the time of his death he and i were estranged following his abruptly walking out on my mom and i in 2008 just a few short weeks after my high school graduation i was 19 years at the time. He went on a camping trip only to never return home. We did know where he was; he was staying with Lena (my grandmother) I refuse to call her that though. Let’s just say in the 4 years after he left and following his death his side of the family was quite cruel to me. I haven’t spoken to them since his funeral. When my dad initially left i tried to engage with him unfortunately given he had bipolar disorder that he hadn’t been engaging in treatment for my whole childhood. Although he received his diagnosis when I was a baby following a previous suicide attempt

I wasn’t formally made aware of his illness until after he left although I had my suspicions that there was something going was going on with my dads mental health. His behavior could be very erratic at times So much so I specifically asked my mom if there was anything going on with my dads mental health I should know a couple times ss a teenager. At the time she didn’t acknowledge it out of fear of rocking the boat.

I was relieved as well as angry at the time given that i wasn’t told the truth when I asked i was also relived to know that my instincts were correct and there was a reason for his erratic behavior during my childhood. Not to mention aspect of my childhood made a whole lot more sense. My parents formally divorced when I three years old during which time he was MIA as a parent i would later come to learn at that time in terms of his mental health he was not doing well. So it was just mom and I until they reconciled when i was seven although they never legally remarried. In many ways own nightmare began in June of 2008. I know it is not uncommon for people who die by suicide to emotionally distance themselves from their loved ones even many years prior to their physical deaths.

Just a little note about the language around suicide I use the term died by suicide very intentionally instead of the culturally ingrained term committed suicide. Committed is most often associated with criminality and sadly also in some states still have laws on the books making attempted suicide illegal. So in recent years there has been a lot of effort from mental health organizations to change the laws as well as shift the language used around suicide. In order to reduce the stigma around mental illness and suicide loss. I want to stress I myself didn’t know all this until doing some research online after by dads death. In an effort to figure out “where in the fuck to I go from here.’ So no worries if anyone slips up and uses the word committed i will not be offended, i used the term before I know better and I realize it is culturally ingrained and change takes times. Nevertheless I feel it is important to educate in order to reduce the stigma associated with suicide loss.

The reason go extensively in to the background of my dad’s and relationship is my feelings can be very complicated at times. At a certain point after my dads leaving it became very apparent after numerous attempts to engage with him and realizing he was unwilling or unable to engage in a emotionally healthy or meaningful way. It was necessary to protect myself from him given his emotionally downward spiral which came to its tragic ending on march 7th 2012 just two days after my 23th birthday: needless to say I don’t look forward to my birthday because I know what is coming shortly after..

I know my dad did what he did because at that time he saw no other way out to end his emotional pain suicide happens when emotionally pain exceeds the person ability to cope. With that said am not always okay with how he treated my mom and i when he was living. He certainly didn’t navigate things in a healthy way. Which has hurt myself and mom in way that we will have to deal with for the rest of our lives Which i am not thrilled about if being totally honest/

My apologies for this being so long and any typos I have made and didn’t catch i am prone to making errors sometimes due to my brain injury that caused CP.