Thank you president Biden

As much as I am relieved that we can get past the question, is Biden too old to serve a 2nd term? The irony isn’t lost on me there is very much a double standard at play because Donald Trump is only 3 years younger. After the debate many people and media panicked; Granted president Biden did not have the best night . I genuinely do think it would be difficult to respond to a pathological liar at any age.

The reality is I believe ageism and ableism played a key role in the end of the Biden candidacy/ i also think Biden stutter altered public perception negatively. Joe Biden is a decent man. He came into office at a very difficult time in history and served us well.

That said, I very much believe ending mask requirements at the very least in healthcare settings was a big misstep on the biden administration part. The public emergency has ended. This in no way means covid is gone. Covid is airborne and there needs to be more done in terms of prevention, as well as to help those living with long covid. Covid is mass disabling event. I know many would rather say covid is over, because that would be more simple. In reality life and the world we live in is anything but simple. As a person living with cerebral palsy I don’t have the luxury of pretending covid is over, nor do others living with chronic illnesses. Not to mention the US healthcare system is ill prepared to handle a major global pandemic and the long term after effects that we are currently seeing. I say this as a person who is currently under the care of an infectious disease doctor for antibiotic resistant urinary tract infections. Just a piece of advice, protect yourself and your loved ones by Wearing a mask.

I also believe that Biden should no longer be supporting Israel with weapons. I support the people of palestine. Although I realize undoing long-standing alliances is easier said than done.

With all that said, I can not support Donald Trump given what he stands for. He openly mocked a reporter with cerebral palsy. Holds vile attitudes toward women. He proudly takes responsibility for the overturning of Roe vs. Wade.

In the 2 years since Roe was overturned I have been troubled that some in our government feel they have the right to control women’s reproductive rights and healthcare. In part because I have a mild bleeding disorder that is similar to hemophilia. As a result I experienced menstrual cycles that lasted months at a time. This greatly impacted my quality of life as I also had extremely bad menstrual cramps. After many years of my doctors doing their best to get my bleeding under control with medications used to treat bleeding disorders, along with oral contraceptives to suppress my period to no avail.

There came a point when my hematologist stated he believed my menstrual cycles were not controllable in part due to my brain injury that caused my cerebral palsy. Stemming from my premature birth. Knowing full well my underlying brain injury is permanent. I came to the difficult realization something had to give. Unbeknownst to anyone initially I started doing my own research about what my medical options were online. At this time I was 14 and knew how to use google. It was at that point I discovered what a hysterectomy was. Given I was told that my bleeding disorder was genetic and can be passed on. I didn’t like the thought that if I had a daughter, she may experience the difficulties and pain that I was. I should also mention that during this time my muscle spasms caused cerebral palsy were becoming difficult manage with oral spasticity medications and we were looking into if an implanted medication pump was an option as it is delivered directly into the spinal cord via a implanted spinal catheter as opposed to going through the bloodstream. It is called a baclofen pump, at age 17 I had my first pump placed.

I came to the emotionally challenging conclusion that in my case a hysterectomy was my best option. I sat on it for six months before going to my mom who had no idea I knew what was. We then went to my gynecologist who we had been working with closely to get my menstrual cycles controlled, I shared with her the conclusion i had come to, I had just started a new medication to suppress my period, She asked my to wait another six months and if i was still bleeding she would support my decision to have a hysterectomy.

There was some reluctants given I was 15 at the time. Also sadly there is a dark history in this country of forced sterilizations of people with disabilities. Fortunately my doctors took the time to truly listen to me and realized this wasn’t the case and it truly was a quality of life issue. In 2004 two weeks into my freshman year in high school I had a partial hysterectomy. Only leaving in my ovaries. At the request of the hospital my mom did have to sign the consent form given was under 18. Therefore both my and mother’s signature was on the consent form.

I share all this because I want all women to have the freedom to make their own choices about their own bodies with their doctors. Our government should have no say when it comes to that. This will not be the case should project 2025 take effect.

I also want all LGBTQ+ people to have access to gender affirming care and to be able to be their authentic selves .

Joe Biden did a selfless thing on Sunday by stepping aside and endorsing Kamala Harris. Thanks to him we are well on our way to having our first female president. It is up to us to do the rest this november

Day 2

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in September 2022. Day 2 of 30

Today writing is going to be short and sweet as I have a had a very difficult day. I was supposed to have a fasting blood work today this didn’t not go as planed Fasted for 12 hours . Today because my neurological system can be set off by anything ( including a hennaill. I was told this by one of my Pm&r doctors that managed stuff .related to my CP and spasticity. . Anyway today I woke up and got sick to my stomach because I sometimes get abdominal spasms . I after that I still continued to still get ready. Also we were going to have to work there given our van with a wheelchair left needs to isn’t working well and because of covid it is taking longer to get it into the shop. When it was time to get into my wheelchair I was struggling to get in my wheelchair I tried several times and was not able to given my muscles were more stiff and I was extremely tired so we opted to cancel my appointment The physician assistant wasn’t happy. Granted I hadn’t had any bloodwork for a year/ this is in large part because their office not being able to schedule it.

I can tell my neurological system hasn’t been at baseline with dad”s birthday coming up I have been more emotional as well as my spasticity being more severe. I also have been dealing with bad allergies which also make my spasticity worse. WHen the physician assistant called I tried to explain this.. Obviously I didn’t explain well It must of come off that I was just blowing off my appointment/ ot something instead of it being clear that between cp plus the fact that I am navigating grief sometimes my body does not corporate dispite my best effort’s. What people don’t know about grief is it can be emotionally and physically exhausted. I sometimes feel like in am caught between a rook in s hard place navigating a chronic illness and a traumatic loss. I wish that the medical community had a better understanding of grief and its affect on the body . Grief is like an emotional hangnail no one can see. Sadly sometimes it is not always safe to show people it is there. Even if you do they may not understand.

Introduction

This post was originally written for a your grief course done by Refugengrief in September 2022

Hi all,

My name is Christine Weston. I live with my mom and our pug NIkki. She is a great emotional support for both of us. We live in Sacramento CA. I have lived there my entire life. I was born with cerebral palsy. I use a power char to get around . As my lower limbs are the most affected by my spasticity. I am also a congenital amputee ( missing my right arm above the elbow as a rare condition that the cause of which is not fully understood, It also affected my left hand at birth and my fingers with exception of my thumb were fused. (It looked like a mitten) The process of separating them started when I was about a year old. It took two to three surgeries to separate them. So those fingers don’t look like typical fingers with nails. In my case none of my birth defects were caused by drug or alcohol use on my mother’s part. I say that because its a common assumption i”ve encountered over the years.

If at any point i write something in reference to my condition and you have a question feel free to ask. I will do my best to explain in my writings. Many people have comorbidities associated with the CP. ( as it is known by for short) i have a couple of conditions directly related to my CP as it impacts how well my neurological system functions. My medical conditions and experiences will undoubtedly come up. As i now know, they are a source of grief. Given that grief comes in my forms and my different type of losses, not just death. Which I admit I didn’t know until I entered therapy in 2012. Which l looking is not surprising given the understanding of grief in our culture sucks! As i know all of us here understand all too well😭

What Brings Me Here

On March, 7,2012 i lost my dad to suicide after he succumbed to his mental illness. At the time of his death he and i were estranged following his abruptly walking out on my mom and i in 2008 just a few short weeks after my high school graduation i was 19 years at the time. He went on a camping trip only to never return home. We did know where he was; he was staying with Lena (my grandmother) I refuse to call her that though. Let’s just say in the 4 years after he left and following his death his side of the family was quite cruel to me. I haven’t spoken to them since his funeral. When my dad initially left i tried to engage with him unfortunately given he had bipolar disorder that he hadn’t been engaging in treatment for my whole childhood. Although he received his diagnosis when I was a baby following a previous suicide attempt

I wasn’t formally made aware of his illness until after he left although I had my suspicions that there was something going was going on with my dads mental health. His behavior could be very erratic at times So much so I specifically asked my mom if there was anything going on with my dads mental health I should know a couple times ss a teenager. At the time she didn’t acknowledge it out of fear of rocking the boat.

I was relieved as well as angry at the time given that i wasn’t told the truth when I asked i was also relived to know that my instincts were correct and there was a reason for his erratic behavior during my childhood. Not to mention aspect of my childhood made a whole lot more sense. My parents formally divorced when I three years old during which time he was MIA as a parent i would later come to learn at that time in terms of his mental health he was not doing well. So it was just mom and I until they reconciled when i was seven although they never legally remarried. In many ways own nightmare began in June of 2008. I know it is not uncommon for people who die by suicide to emotionally distance themselves from their loved ones even many years prior to their physical deaths.

Just a little note about the language around suicide I use the term died by suicide very intentionally instead of the culturally ingrained term committed suicide. Committed is most often associated with criminality and sadly also in some states still have laws on the books making attempted suicide illegal. So in recent years there has been a lot of effort from mental health organizations to change the laws as well as shift the language used around suicide. In order to reduce the stigma around mental illness and suicide loss. I want to stress I myself didn’t know all this until doing some research online after by dads death. In an effort to figure out “where in the fuck to I go from here.’ So no worries if anyone slips up and uses the word committed i will not be offended, i used the term before I know better and I realize it is culturally ingrained and change takes times. Nevertheless I feel it is important to educate in order to reduce the stigma associated with suicide loss.

The reason go extensively in to the background of my dad’s and relationship is my feelings can be very complicated at times. At a certain point after my dads leaving it became very apparent after numerous attempts to engage with him and realizing he was unwilling or unable to engage in a emotionally healthy or meaningful way. It was necessary to protect myself from him given his emotionally downward spiral which came to its tragic ending on march 7th 2012 just two days after my 23th birthday: needless to say I don’t look forward to my birthday because I know what is coming shortly after..

I know my dad did what he did because at that time he saw no other way out to end his emotional pain suicide happens when emotionally pain exceeds the person ability to cope. With that said am not always okay with how he treated my mom and i when he was living. He certainly didn’t navigate things in a healthy way. Which has hurt myself and mom in way that we will have to deal with for the rest of our lives Which i am not thrilled about if being totally honest/

My apologies for this being so long and any typos I have made and didn’t catch i am prone to making errors sometimes due to my brain injury that caused CP.