Originally written for writing your grief course done by refuge in grief in October 2022

Day 27

This prompt felt less stressful for me and more beneficial not that I am still not emotional tired as fuck. That comes with territory in terms of grief I also had an suicide loss survivor meetings tonight this months meeting topic was anger as you can imagine brought up a a lot of raw emotions as everyone is at different place in their grief journey’s . I want to say I appreciate each and everyone of you over the last 27 days. I have gained valuable insight by reading your writings as well as your kind words and likes on my writings. I am beyond grateful for your support on this emotional journey of processing my grief. I know this hasn’t been easy as you process yours. Please take care of yourselves ❤️ None of us asked to be on grief journeys it a culture that is sometimes really shitty about grief. As you can see I got really excited about getting to use colorful pens. On a side I considered it a personal triumph to get them out of the packaging given I am one handed. The things were packaged like it was fucking fort knocks or something.

Anyway I digress this exercise  will be helpful in my future writings as it was helpful in identifying topics I can explore further in my writings which are as follows:

•  Signs and suicide loss survivors ~ many suicide survivors have experienced getting signs from their loved ones after their death. I believe it is because suicide comes with a lot of emotional unfinished business and unanswered questions. They also  want us to know their  ok and still for us.
• Afterlife ~ given there is a lot we don’t know about the universe 
• Relationships don’t end after death. ~ The just change
• Dogs’ deeper understanding of grief and loss~ Their amazing ability to give unconditional love

It is strange at different points in my life journey I have been encouraged to write about my experiences as a disabled person. One of those people being a very cool endocrinologist I had as teenager saying I should do a blog . Looking back I deeply appreciate his encouragement. As well as nurse who said I should write a book. As a teenager I didn’t know writing would play roll in my emotional healing after a suicide loss. If someone had told me I would I probably would have said no fucking way. If my sharing my experiences as suicide survivors will help reduce the stigma attached to suicide than I will gladly do it.

Again take care of yourself everyone❤️ I truly appreciate you all.

Originally written for a writing your grief course done by refuge in grief in October 2022

Day 26 

Rearranging a previous writing 

Was just hard. I was kind of overwhelmed  when I first  saw  it was daunting  even  deciding  what to use didn’t  want to have too little  or too much. Some of  my writing are quite  long. The email said not more than a few pages.Full disclosure I  printed out the piece I wanted to use  highlighted the sections I wanted to use and my mom cut them out. The option of highlighting the sections on the computer and copying and pasting seened just as tedious and time consuming and frankly not much easier than I tried .  Ironically, usually cutting things out and doing different things with cool phases and pictures ie vision boards and collages is calming to my anxiety ( it wasn’t in this case .) . I can use scissors even  the cutting in this case had to be so precise as not  cut off  in words int was daunting is my least favorite prompt of the whole course, it was fucking annoying. Grief work is just fucking hard and I don’t feel like rearranging my own words to make something  new  I am emotionally and physically too tired

Originally written for writing your grief course done by refuge in grief in October 2022

Day 25

We were asked to read this poem quickly and respond with our gut reactions

Happiness grows back

Like saplings after a forest fire

Barren grief

No longer your primary

residence

That old hollowness

Carved out

Washed

With holy tears

An old topography of loss

You will follow

Back to life

This poem annoys the fuck out of me as a person living with complicated grief having survived a suicide loss. Suicide loss changes a person forever. It is one of the most stressful life events a person can experience. Many suicide loss survivors live with ptsd as do I. You learn to live the best you can with your loss and grief but you are never the same. This poem is an absolutely crock of shit. It is everything that is wrong with our society Fucked up culture around grief

Originally written for a writing your grief course done by rufugeingrief in October 2022

Day 24

This is just ironic yesterday when it printed out the email for this prompt it randomly printed out two extra pages which at first glance seemingly looked blank; upon looking closer one had a small faint line on it being the yesterday marked another month since his passing I had to kind of laugh I said to my mom dads letting us know he’s still around again. I should explain that dad has a history of sending us signs through our electronics over the years. We had a series of coincidences that we can’t explain in terms of the electronics. We often joke that dad must really like his newfound ability to affect our electronic devices.

My mom and I even had experiences of my dad using our beloved first pug to let us know he was still around in the early years. There were times  when precious would look at me so deeply and intensely I got the sense it was my dad’s spirit looking at me. This also happened  to my mom several  times. On the first Christmas after my dad’s death mom and I were getting ready to go to volunteer at a church winter shelter for the homeless. My mom was sitting on her bed when she realized Precious had jumped up there to be with her, I should say precious never jumped on my moms bed it was totally out of character for her to do so. She was just deeply intensely looking at mom as she would tell me later. After that Christmas morning Precious would jump on my mom’s bed and sit by her as she drank her  coffee. A ritual she repeated for about a year and a half.  Given how bonded they were, neither mom or myself  was surprised he would send us signs through her. When my dad left us Precious was very sad and confused: when it got to be the time he would normally get off work she would just sit and wait for him to walk through the door, it was heartbreaking to her whimper and cry. Mom and I couldn’t say the words dad or daddy she would run door looking for him. Eventually we started spelling these words to  avoid upsetting  her as we didn’t know  how to help her understand his leaving us. We were struggling as humans to wrap our minds around it. After my dad left he would randomly email my mom and ask about Precious. When dad died obviously she didn’t know my dad had died it was clear to us she did sense something had occurred that made us very emotionally sad. She was very sensitive to us just laying with us when mom or myself when we had a bad grief day.

I even suspect she had a hand in bringing Nikki  into our lives just a few weeks before she crossed the rainbow bridge i had a conversation with her reassuring that mom and I would be ok and it was ok for her to let go. We loved her and  would miss her terribly. Mind you i was sobbing through the whole conversation. I also asked her when the time was right to bring us the right next dog for us. Nikki was born December 23 the holidays are extremely hard for us as is the case for a lot of suicide loss survivors.  So I suspect Precious wanted us to have something to celebrate. We  always try to make Nikki’s birthday special. She is a very emotionally intelligent dog, as well as very empathetic and sensitive. She is happy as a pig in shit just cuddle with us.  I couldn’t ask for a more loving, emotionally supportive dog. I am incredibly grateful for Precious took care of us in the years after my dad’s death. Precious’s final weeks on earth we both slept in my bed with  her giving her all the love she deserved. Not to mention all the food she loved. The day we had her put to sleep she stayed in my room with me  until it was  time to go to the vet. In the weeks that followed her death  I sensed she was still with me making  sure I was ok. I took comfort in knowing she and my dad were together and she didn’t have to grieve fo him anymore . Given that there are a lot of things  as humans we don’t understand, I have often wondered  if may dogs  have a deeper understanding of grief and loss more the we humans realize; given their capacity to unconditionally love.

This is precious’s actual paw print in the sunflower. I had mom get her paw prints done at the vets. I had the sunflower tattoo done shortly after Precious crossed the rainbow bridge 🌈

My dad and Precious her birthday

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in October 2022

Day 23

Today marks 10 years and 7 months exactly since my dad’s physical death that  is 3,866 days ( i looked it up on one of those one online how long ago sites.) That is how long ago I  started my grief journey as a suicide loss survivor . Although my emotional grief journey in regards to dad started in 2008 when his life started to spiraling out of control. In a lot of ways his life trajectory was set into motion well before I came to my dad’s life. Being born into a dysfunctional family and later being diagnosed as bipolar in his 20s . I was told later my dad’s Iq was borderline which I don’t doubt made it harder for him to navigate the world.  

I  will have to think how he would have loved me as his authentic self. As some of his behaviors when he were shitty when he was living. Believe me it is not a good feeling to know you have to emotionally protect yourself from your own father.

I imagine he would tell me he was sorry for all the emotional pain he caused mom and i. He would tell me he loved me and he doesn’t hold it against me for at times getting angry with him for some of the things he did while he was living as well as  circumstances of his violent death as it is a lot to live with. He would tell me he was sorry that his side of the family treated me so horribly before and after his death. I would hope if he were alive and emotionally well he stand up to them. Particularly when it came to my cousin Chanel 18 months after dad left she started harassing us. It took 2 months and installing a camera before we figured out it was her doing it. Given  that one of the things she did was put a garden gnome with the arm sawed  off on our doorstep obviously taking shots at me because i am a  congenital amputee above the elbow on my right side as well as putting an ad for my power chair on Craigslist: with mom’s number on it  so mom got a lot of calls . Fortunately it was not stolen. It was clear i was the primary target of her harassment over those two months there was more to it than those two incidents but basically that is a shortened version of what happened. At the time mom told me I needed to contact my dad to let him know what was happening.

   I did so reluctantly , he replied to my email saying, “just ignore her and she will stop.”  So I imagine he would address that situation better by giving me a hug and telling me that wasn’t ok and he was sorry that happened to me. He would  tell me not to be so hard on myself and to be kinder  myself more often and that he is proud of the woman I have become. He would tell me he loves me very me much and he was always look out for me.

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in October 2022

 Day 22

Playing catch up today had a session with my therapist yesterday had decided just to reset yesterday which apparently was the right call on my part I pretty much just crashed and slept a lot of the day I had similar sensations and changes in my symptomatology like when I  brainspot so I suspect  significant trauma processing is occurring not to mention tomorrow is the 7th  my dad died march 7th every month on the 7th my neurological system acts up a little and  I get a little more anxious as well as overall fatigued.  As I write this knockin on heavens door by Bob Dylan is playing on my echo dot. As it popped into my mind this morning 

Whatever comes next I hope our I our dogs were  there to greet  him particularly our beloved pug precious who crossed the rainbow bridge in 2017  she grieved very much when he abruptly left. It was painful for mom and I to watch. I took comfort in knowing when she passed she didn’t have to grieve him anymore at least they were together in some fashion whatever that may be.

At the end there was a door. When I  entered  I was filled with light as well as a lightness as my soul was  freed from the emotional pain and torment I had  experienced while living on earth. After entering this door my spirit has the ability  to take  on different forms and shapes and explore and be part of different  parts of the  universe. I  am now part of the stars in the sky. As well as the sun and the moon. I have also been part  of the ocean and the sand on the sand on the beach. I can manifest as any form. Sometimes my spirit visits  earth  to send my loved ones signs in various ways to let them know I am ok now and I am looking  out for them. 

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in October

Day 21

I remember I brought this yellow cabinet from wayfair, when I was redoing my room it had not been redone since I was a teenager. Dad painted my walls that sky blue color. The door trim and closet was a darker blue. There came a time I had an intense need to change it. Eventually it felt like those blue walls were closing in on me. Before my walls  were painted this new color I swear if it had been physically possible I would have used a long paint roller to change the color of the walls myself. I brought this yellow cabinet because I thought it would go nicely  with the new wall color.

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in October 2022

Day 20

My grief is a little different since he wasn’t physically present given our estrangement. In the early days when waking up from sleep having forgotten he  had taken his own  only to within a few short minutes to remember. I was mortified that I could forget such a thing. I shared this with my therapist and she reassured me this was quite common when waking up from a sleep and given he wasn’t present in my life made it a little more likely. There was one particular time  this occurred that was terrifying. In May of 2012 I had to have my  baclofen pump replaced. The pump has to be replaced about every six years  as that is how long  the battery lasts.  

There were complications with the replacement. The  pump is about the size of a hockey puck and is placed under the skin on my right side. The pump is connected to a catheter placed in my spine that delivers a spasticity medication called baclofen directly to my spinal fluid This is done when the oral form of baclofen doesn’t  work well enough anymore. Unbeknownst to us the catheter was kinked and I wasn’t getting the dosage I should have been at least not consistently. The thing about baclofen is it is a central nervous system suppressant and if you get too much at one time you can stop breathing.

That is exactly what  happened the doctors hadn’t turned my rate back up slowly enough and l lost the ability to maintain my own airway: I needed to be intubated and placed on a ventilator. I was told later by my mother I was in a coma for two days. When I started to wake up I was quite disoriented being that I was still intubated I couldn’t talk, not to mention I had started gagging on the tube. Mom was sitting next to me terrified, forgetting that dad had died by suicide I got kind of angry at him. Being that mom had to be by herself for hours: I started thinking dad is probably having more  fun then we are, spending time with one of his many girlfriends Dad was dealing with hyper sexuality when he was spiraling after he left us  

I digress, It was only a few short minutes  later I remembered I had watched him be placed in the ground only two months before; as well as the circumstances that caused his death. Let’s just say I felt horribly guilty for the things I had thought  I grieve  more that he emotionally couldn’t be a safe presence in my life, which would have made him a physical presence in my life.  That was not the situation I was in. It was necessary to protect myself from him given his behavior and the fact he wasn’t engaging in treatment for his illness. 

It has been over 13 years since I last saw him alive , coming up on 11 years since his death.. I guess a shift  in  grief has been having short periods  which I don’t think about his downward spiral that occurred over the last years of his life and his tragic death. That is not to say my knowledge of this ever goes completely away it is  always there at some level even unconsciously. It can be hard to reconcile who my dad “authenticity” was versus behaviors caused by his bipolar disorder. I love the aspects of who my dad authentically was. I don’t think I will ever forget those completely . With that said I will never also be completely ok with his behaviors even though I am aware they were caused by his illness. They were nonetheless hurtful not only to my dad but to others as well. 

Perhaps another shift in my grief has been my sharing my experiences as a suicide loss survivor in the hopes it will help others who have lost a loved to suicide feel less alone. I haven’t always shared about my loss so authenticity. My therapist and I had worked  on expressing my feeling as my authentic self extensively which had kind of gotten buried  due to years of medical and emotional trauma that hadn’t been processed. That shift had occurred over the last two or three years. As difficult as it can be to talk about the hard realities of suicide loss there is no one better than people who have lived through  it to increase awareness, it is vital to decrease the stigma associated with suicide loss.

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in October 2022

Day 19 

This writing will be a  complicated one for me ~  Trigger Warningsuicide discussed method briefly mentioned, To enyone has experienced a suicide loss your loved one death is not your fault, Sadly suicide is not always preventable ~ Having said that I wanted to put this out there 

 The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is now: 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

 I want  remember to that time we drove through drive- thurs and said I am cornholio ~  The line from Beavis and Butthead 

 I need to forget the violent matter in which  you died ~ although it is hard to forget every  time I hear a firework  I am reminded of  the gun fire you must have heard that fateful day at  the shooting range in your last moments alive

 I want to remember when you went with me to sunsplash and we found it hard not to roll our eyes at my odd instructional assistant Michael.

I need to forget the times during my childhood when your behavior  was erratic and I didn’t  understand. ~ As I wasn’t made aware of your  bipolar disorder till much later.

I Want to remember the time you spent with our dogs

I need to forget the last years of your life we were estranged ~ As those were the years your life was spinning out of control 

Needless to say my memories of you are complicated: there are things I want  to remember and things I want to forget.

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in October 2022

Day 18 blessing

Grief will  never go away ~ Don’t let others make you feel guilty for your  grief .

Please be gentle with yourself as you  navigate your “ new” life on your grief journey.

Use a lot of self care~ As no one would chose to be on this grief journey 

Seek help and support when needed ~ no one should navigate grief alone. Nor is it a sign of weakness 

Don’t feel it is necessary to whitewash your loved ones memory ~ particularly in cases of suicide or drug overdoses. Sometime the person’s behavior may have been downright shitty. It is ok to acknowledge it. Being truthful about the hard realities of your loved ones illness honors them

Don’t feel guilty when you have a good day~ you will have good and bad days in terms of grief Enjoy the good ones

I hope with time your grief will soften ~ although it will never go away 

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