Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in October 2022

Day 20

My grief is a little different since he wasn’t physically present given our estrangement. In the early days when waking up from sleep having forgotten he  had taken his own  only to within a few short minutes to remember. I was mortified that I could forget such a thing. I shared this with my therapist and she reassured me this was quite common when waking up from a sleep and given he wasn’t present in my life made it a little more likely. There was one particular time  this occurred that was terrifying. In May of 2012 I had to have my  baclofen pump replaced. The pump has to be replaced about every six years  as that is how long  the battery lasts.  

There were complications with the replacement. The  pump is about the size of a hockey puck and is placed under the skin on my right side. The pump is connected to a catheter placed in my spine that delivers a spasticity medication called baclofen directly to my spinal fluid This is done when the oral form of baclofen doesn’t  work well enough anymore. Unbeknownst to us the catheter was kinked and I wasn’t getting the dosage I should have been at least not consistently. The thing about baclofen is it is a central nervous system suppressant and if you get too much at one time you can stop breathing.

That is exactly what  happened the doctors hadn’t turned my rate back up slowly enough and l lost the ability to maintain my own airway: I needed to be intubated and placed on a ventilator. I was told later by my mother I was in a coma for two days. When I started to wake up I was quite disoriented being that I was still intubated I couldn’t talk, not to mention I had started gagging on the tube. Mom was sitting next to me terrified, forgetting that dad had died by suicide I got kind of angry at him. Being that mom had to be by herself for hours: I started thinking dad is probably having more  fun then we are, spending time with one of his many girlfriends Dad was dealing with hyper sexuality when he was spiraling after he left us  

I digress, It was only a few short minutes  later I remembered I had watched him be placed in the ground only two months before; as well as the circumstances that caused his death. Let’s just say I felt horribly guilty for the things I had thought  I grieve  more that he emotionally couldn’t be a safe presence in my life, which would have made him a physical presence in my life.  That was not the situation I was in. It was necessary to protect myself from him given his behavior and the fact he wasn’t engaging in treatment for his illness. 

It has been over 13 years since I last saw him alive , coming up on 11 years since his death.. I guess a shift  in  grief has been having short periods  which I don’t think about his downward spiral that occurred over the last years of his life and his tragic death. That is not to say my knowledge of this ever goes completely away it is  always there at some level even unconsciously. It can be hard to reconcile who my dad “authenticity” was versus behaviors caused by his bipolar disorder. I love the aspects of who my dad authentically was. I don’t think I will ever forget those completely . With that said I will never also be completely ok with his behaviors even though I am aware they were caused by his illness. They were nonetheless hurtful not only to my dad but to others as well. 

Perhaps another shift in my grief has been my sharing my experiences as a suicide loss survivor in the hopes it will help others who have lost a loved to suicide feel less alone. I haven’t always shared about my loss so authenticity. My therapist and I had worked  on expressing my feeling as my authentic self extensively which had kind of gotten buried  due to years of medical and emotional trauma that hadn’t been processed. That shift had occurred over the last two or three years. As difficult as it can be to talk about the hard realities of suicide loss there is no one better than people who have lived through  it to increase awareness, it is vital to decrease the stigma associated with suicide loss.

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in October 2022

Day 19 

This writing will be a  complicated one for me ~  Trigger Warningsuicide discussed method briefly mentioned, To enyone has experienced a suicide loss your loved one death is not your fault, Sadly suicide is not always preventable ~ Having said that I wanted to put this out there 

 The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is now: 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

 I want  remember to that time we drove through drive- thurs and said I am cornholio ~  The line from Beavis and Butthead 

 I need to forget the violent matter in which  you died ~ although it is hard to forget every  time I hear a firework  I am reminded of  the gun fire you must have heard that fateful day at  the shooting range in your last moments alive

 I want to remember when you went with me to sunsplash and we found it hard not to roll our eyes at my odd instructional assistant Michael.

I need to forget the times during my childhood when your behavior  was erratic and I didn’t  understand. ~ As I wasn’t made aware of your  bipolar disorder till much later.

I Want to remember the time you spent with our dogs

I need to forget the last years of your life we were estranged ~ As those were the years your life was spinning out of control 

Needless to say my memories of you are complicated: there are things I want  to remember and things I want to forget.

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in October 2022

Day 18 blessing

Grief will  never go away ~ Don’t let others make you feel guilty for your  grief .

Please be gentle with yourself as you  navigate your “ new” life on your grief journey.

Use a lot of self care~ As no one would chose to be on this grief journey 

Seek help and support when needed ~ no one should navigate grief alone. Nor is it a sign of weakness 

Don’t feel it is necessary to whitewash your loved ones memory ~ particularly in cases of suicide or drug overdoses. Sometime the person’s behavior may have been downright shitty. It is ok to acknowledge it. Being truthful about the hard realities of your loved ones illness honors them

Don’t feel guilty when you have a good day~ you will have good and bad days in terms of grief Enjoy the good ones

I hope with time your grief will soften ~ although it will never go away 

.

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in October of October 2022

Note day 17 we we were given the option to listen to an audio clip or write so next post will be day 18

The first thing that come to mind is a visual  of my heart with a bunch of bandages of all different sizes and shapes there have some big wounds to it as of late some people I truly cared about have emotionally pushed me away: this hurts my heart more then people realize particularly since my loss. It opens up old scars on my heart that are very sensitive. These scars on my heart have been reopened and patched over many times , I  am well aware that these scars will probably be reopened again and I will need to do more patching  again in the form of emotional self care, therapy and grief work my heart feels of kind  of tired old and beat up. It makes  me feel kind sad as I suspect my heart has looked this way for a good while I  have never been asked to describe “The condition of my heart ‘ in this way before and it felt a little strange at first if I am being totally honest.

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in September 2022

On a personal note had to take a few days off had a an appointment I didn’ want to get over fatigued from trauma processing at have my neurological system to act up and miss  again my doctor was really not happy which was uncharacteristic of her. It was kind of awkward because It was clear she didn’t understand when I tried to explain what happened. With my cp anything even a hangnail can set my neurological off. So bad allergies + dads upcoming birthday + grief work = my neurological system having a complete meltdown and not cooperating with me. Which ironically my therapist ( a psychologist) cautioned me  this could occur and not to be hard on myself if it did because in the years since my dad’s death around special occasions my neurological system acts up: I  respond to emotional stress differently in general. I have been this is normal after a suicide loss. So I made my rescheduled appointment on Thursday at which time I got a flu shot, that left me feeling blah.

So here goes day 15

I have to say my writing has come easier  than I thought although I suspect I had things that needed to be  processed because prior to starting the course I felt the need to journal. As of late in my writing I have noticed my ever increasing frustration when It came to mental health as well as the lack of understanding of grief’s affect on the body by the medical community.. When you have a neurological condition like cp and have experienced a suicide loss: it’s going to affect the body. I have encountered other suicide loss survivors who have no underlying conditions, who  say their body doesn’t respond the same since their loss. I was told early on suicide is on of the most stressful live events a person can experience; this coupled with my cp I would have to take care of myself differently it the wake of my loss.  This can be extremely challenging to do in a society that doesn’t understand. As well my pump nurse of 13 years recently retired she was well aware of my family history and trauma history.

In fact just by looking at my overall medical history she said myself and mom likely had ptsd from medical trauma. We we met her  she told us it was starting to be understood that it is not uncommon for cp patients as well as family members to develop from experiencing and witnessing medical trauma.  She was right in 2012 I was formally diagnosed. After my dad’s death Mandy (Nurse) always asked if I noticed any changes in my spasticity due to stress or anxiety I always felt safe to openly talk to her about my dad’s suicide and its affect on my symptomolgy. Given what happened recently I have really missed her. It makes me sad to know that there  will be people that get covid who will have to deal with the long term effects of covid both physically and emotionally. Some who may very well have lost a loved one due to covid. Navigating chronic illness + grief is exhausting so perhaps writing has bee an outlet for my frustrations about our culture lack  of  understanding 

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in September 2022


Day 14




Dad,
I Have decided to take you on a tour of Folsom lake I say this is one of prettier pictures I found the effect of the drought and climate change have had quite effect on Northern California. California and the whole world has changed in a way that has made mom and i sad. I find it ironic that i taking you on a tour when mom and i are on a tour of our new “hometown” and only leave the house when necessary because my doctors are concerned I could get very sick if i got covid given my cp. Covid is still very dangerous for disabled people. I Wish people would just fucking wear a mask. The main place mom and I go is to UC Davis to get my Baclofen pump as well as my Botox injections. ( Treatments used to manage spasticity in cp patients) when we go to the hospital we see tent cities of homeless people. It makes mom and I really sad.

Obviously I have digressed from Folsom lake but it doesn’t feel right to me not to acknowledge the painful realities of how our hometown and world has changed since you left. Frankly i am getting tired of people denying the reality of difficult or painful situations. If your death has taught me anything it is that not dealing with difficult and painful things honestly can lead to tragic outcomes.

Anyway back to Folsom lake,

The sky is a nice clear blue as is the water.
There is a boat.. it looks a little smaller than yours was.
There are green trees and hills
It looks very calm
Which is where I would absolutely take you

In reality I like to think my dad’s spirit lives somewhere similar to this as he loved to fish. He spent a lot of time on his boat at Folsom lake. Now I envision he is with our two dogs that have crossed the rainbow bridge Baby & Precious, fishing on his boat and feeding the dogs an endless supply of their favorite foods.
Baby’s ~ hotdogs
Precious’s ~ mangos

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in September 2022

Day 13

Suicide is the ultimate 13th guest one of the first things I said when it was just myself my mom and my uncle ( moms older brother) Was what if dad comes up? How the fuck do I tell people. I still get anxious about disclosing the fact that I am a suicide loss survivor. So here’s my attempt to be the old wise woman in the fairytale: that brings the uncomfortable gift.


Suicide is not contagious nor is it a crime
Having said that suicide can impact anyone ar any time.
Suicide does not care about things like social or economic status Suicide does not descimate
Suicide does not occur out of selfishness: it occurs because at the time the person sees no other way out to end their emotional pain. I realize these truths are uncomfortable for those who haven’t experienced them.
If that is the case for you, truth be told I am grateful for I wish no one had to know the reality of these uncomfortable truths.
For those of us that have to live with these uncomfortable truths; please do not stigmatize or shame us for being honest about the fact we live with these uncomfortable truths. We did not choose to live with these uncomfortable truths.
We live with these truths because someone we love died by suicide not committed. With that said just a gentle reminder please be mindful and thoughtful with your words as they do matter. For you don’t know who has experienced these uncomfortable truths as some of us may not say. Out of the fear we will be met with judgement and stigma as is sadly sometimes the case. These uncomfortable truths associated with suicide exist weather you acknowledge them or not . They exist everyday for those of us left behind to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives as we navigate these uncomfortable truths.

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief September 2022

Day 12

I have to say  when I read this I had to laugh given the fucked up irony. Given it is essential to look at the pain and work with pain after a suicude loss. Particularly in my dad’s case he spent majority if not all of his life running from his  emotional pain as well not treating his bipolar disorder, the strange thing about suicide loss is the person who dies by suicide is out of their emotional turmoil and pain they were in that lead them to believe suicide was their only way out; this doesn’t mean the emotional pain goes  away it transfers over to those of us left behind.  The is why I have spent over have spent over a decade in therapy. I will need to be in therapy for the rest of my life   Therapy is a necessary evil for me and lot of suicide loss  survivors I have come acrosss. Not that it isn’t fucking exhausting. As well as the level of self care I need since my loss sometimes borders on ridiculous  I was told early on given the nature of my loss as well as the fact my dad and I were estranged I was navigating complicated grief and self care would be  essential survival skill. 

Address the pain as a separate  being~ I am fundamentally a different being then I was 10 and a half years ago. I sometimes feel like when my dad died I got dropped on  another planet and I speak a foreign language that only mental health professionals, other grieving people and the trauma informed understand. Our culture’s understanding of grief and mental health is shit. A person’s  emotional well-being is part of a person’s overall health and shouldn’t be treated differently. I will get off my soapbox now🙂

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in September 2022

Day 11

Although you died in 2012 unbeknownst to me initially my grief journey in regards to you started in 2008. Although you  were physically still alive: oddly the last time I saw you I knew your spirit and soul were already gone. I knew that  barring you got the mental health treatment you needed. I would have to protect myself from you. Strangely I knew it would be the last time I saw you physically alive. 

Our loss of you started not with death but estrangement, one neither of us would have chosen.  One we realized was necessary given despite our efforts to reach It was clear you were  emotionally and mentally unwell. Estrangement although not a physical death: it is a death of sorts. It causes grief and pain much in the same way a physical  death does. Although it is a form of loss that is less acknowledged or discussed. 

Perhaps looking back this is when everything developed somewhat of a sharp edge. I often feel  the most nourished inside  my grief as well as my most authentic self when I know I can safely show and share my sharp edges with those around me: without being fearful I will be met with stigma, judgement and shame.  Estrangement, mental illness, suicide loss all things froght with sharp edges  Although the sharpest edge comes from stigma: knowing I will at time have to at times have to hide the realities of  living with these sharp edges.

The most nurturing thing of all is talking about honestly and freely the realities associated with these sharp edges. Although it can be extremely tricky fighting out how to do so given we live in a society and culture that would rather I hide  these sharp edges.

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in September 2022

Day 10

Melancholy suits me I see great beauty as well as sadness when I connect with other survivors at suicide loss supoprt groups I attend. Melancholy suits me, I see joy, beauty, sadness and sometimes laugher when we share stories or pictures of our loved ones, Melancholy suits me I see the beautiful souls of people that understand deep loss. Although I wish they didn’t.