Day 24

Originally written for a writing your grief course done by rufugeingrief in October 2022

Day 24

This is just ironic yesterday when it printed out the email for this prompt it randomly printed out two extra pages which at first glance seemingly looked blank; upon looking closer one had a small faint line on it being the yesterday marked another month since his passing I had to kind of laugh I said to my mom dads letting us know he’s still around again. I should explain that dad has a history of sending us signs through our electronics over the years. We had a series of coincidences that we can’t explain in terms of the electronics. We often joke that dad must really like his newfound ability to affect our electronic devices.

My mom and I even had experiences of my dad using our beloved first pug to let us know he was still around in the early years. There were times  when precious would look at me so deeply and intensely I got the sense it was my dad’s spirit looking at me. This also happened  to my mom several  times. On the first Christmas after my dad’s death mom and I were getting ready to go to volunteer at a church winter shelter for the homeless. My mom was sitting on her bed when she realized Precious had jumped up there to be with her, I should say precious never jumped on my moms bed it was totally out of character for her to do so. She was just deeply intensely looking at mom as she would tell me later. After that Christmas morning Precious would jump on my mom’s bed and sit by her as she drank her  coffee. A ritual she repeated for about a year and a half.  Given how bonded they were, neither mom or myself  was surprised he would send us signs through her. When my dad left us Precious was very sad and confused: when it got to be the time he would normally get off work she would just sit and wait for him to walk through the door, it was heartbreaking to her whimper and cry. Mom and I couldn’t say the words dad or daddy she would run door looking for him. Eventually we started spelling these words to  avoid upsetting  her as we didn’t know  how to help her understand his leaving us. We were struggling as humans to wrap our minds around it. After my dad left he would randomly email my mom and ask about Precious. When dad died obviously she didn’t know my dad had died it was clear to us she did sense something had occurred that made us very emotionally sad. She was very sensitive to us just laying with us when mom or myself when we had a bad grief day.

I even suspect she had a hand in bringing Nikki  into our lives just a few weeks before she crossed the rainbow bridge i had a conversation with her reassuring that mom and I would be ok and it was ok for her to let go. We loved her and  would miss her terribly. Mind you i was sobbing through the whole conversation. I also asked her when the time was right to bring us the right next dog for us. Nikki was born December 23 the holidays are extremely hard for us as is the case for a lot of suicide loss survivors.  So I suspect Precious wanted us to have something to celebrate. We  always try to make Nikki’s birthday special. She is a very emotionally intelligent dog, as well as very empathetic and sensitive. She is happy as a pig in shit just cuddle with us.  I couldn’t ask for a more loving, emotionally supportive dog. I am incredibly grateful for Precious took care of us in the years after my dad’s death. Precious’s final weeks on earth we both slept in my bed with  her giving her all the love she deserved. Not to mention all the food she loved. The day we had her put to sleep she stayed in my room with me  until it was  time to go to the vet. In the weeks that followed her death  I sensed she was still with me making  sure I was ok. I took comfort in knowing she and my dad were together and she didn’t have to grieve fo him anymore . Given that there are a lot of things  as humans we don’t understand, I have often wondered  if may dogs  have a deeper understanding of grief and loss more the we humans realize; given their capacity to unconditionally love.

This is precious’s actual paw print in the sunflower. I had mom get her paw prints done at the vets. I had the sunflower tattoo done shortly after Precious crossed the rainbow bridge 🌈

My dad and Precious her birthday