Day 15

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in September 2022

On a personal note had to take a few days off had a an appointment I didn’ want to get over fatigued from trauma processing at have my neurological system to act up and miss  again my doctor was really not happy which was uncharacteristic of her. It was kind of awkward because It was clear she didn’t understand when I tried to explain what happened. With my cp anything even a hangnail can set my neurological off. So bad allergies + dads upcoming birthday + grief work = my neurological system having a complete meltdown and not cooperating with me. Which ironically my therapist ( a psychologist) cautioned me  this could occur and not to be hard on myself if it did because in the years since my dad’s death around special occasions my neurological system acts up: I  respond to emotional stress differently in general. I have been this is normal after a suicide loss. So I made my rescheduled appointment on Thursday at which time I got a flu shot, that left me feeling blah.

So here goes day 15

I have to say my writing has come easier  than I thought although I suspect I had things that needed to be  processed because prior to starting the course I felt the need to journal. As of late in my writing I have noticed my ever increasing frustration when It came to mental health as well as the lack of understanding of grief’s affect on the body by the medical community.. When you have a neurological condition like cp and have experienced a suicide loss: it’s going to affect the body. I have encountered other suicide loss survivors who have no underlying conditions, who  say their body doesn’t respond the same since their loss. I was told early on suicide is on of the most stressful live events a person can experience; this coupled with my cp I would have to take care of myself differently it the wake of my loss.  This can be extremely challenging to do in a society that doesn’t understand. As well my pump nurse of 13 years recently retired she was well aware of my family history and trauma history.

In fact just by looking at my overall medical history she said myself and mom likely had ptsd from medical trauma. We we met her  she told us it was starting to be understood that it is not uncommon for cp patients as well as family members to develop from experiencing and witnessing medical trauma.  She was right in 2012 I was formally diagnosed. After my dad’s death Mandy (Nurse) always asked if I noticed any changes in my spasticity due to stress or anxiety I always felt safe to openly talk to her about my dad’s suicide and its affect on my symptomolgy. Given what happened recently I have really missed her. It makes me sad to know that there  will be people that get covid who will have to deal with the long term effects of covid both physically and emotionally. Some who may very well have lost a loved one due to covid. Navigating chronic illness + grief is exhausting so perhaps writing has bee an outlet for my frustrations about our culture lack  of  understanding