Day 11

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief in September 2022

Day 11

Although you died in 2012 unbeknownst to me initially my grief journey in regards to you started in 2008. Although you  were physically still alive: oddly the last time I saw you I knew your spirit and soul were already gone. I knew that  barring you got the mental health treatment you needed. I would have to protect myself from you. Strangely I knew it would be the last time I saw you physically alive. 

Our loss of you started not with death but estrangement, one neither of us would have chosen.  One we realized was necessary given despite our efforts to reach It was clear you were  emotionally and mentally unwell. Estrangement although not a physical death: it is a death of sorts. It causes grief and pain much in the same way a physical  death does. Although it is a form of loss that is less acknowledged or discussed. 

Perhaps looking back this is when everything developed somewhat of a sharp edge. I often feel  the most nourished inside  my grief as well as my most authentic self when I know I can safely show and share my sharp edges with those around me: without being fearful I will be met with stigma, judgement and shame.  Estrangement, mental illness, suicide loss all things froght with sharp edges  Although the sharpest edge comes from stigma: knowing I will at time have to at times have to hide the realities of  living with these sharp edges.

The most nurturing thing of all is talking about honestly and freely the realities associated with these sharp edges. Although it can be extremely tricky fighting out how to do so given we live in a society and culture that would rather I hide  these sharp edges.