Day 1

Originally written for writing your grief course done by Refugeingrief . Day 1 0f 30

 Trigger warning the following references gun violence and suicide If you’re struggling Please reach out by dialing 988 the national suicide prevention and crisis lifeline. There is no shame in seeking help. It is a sign of strength Please know you are not alone❤️

  Life as I knew it ended on March 7th of 2012, I am not the person used to be; I often say when the bullet entered my dad’s body that day it took multiple lives  if not physically  emotionally by forever changing the emotional landscape of  my very being. It shouthanld be should be said that for every completed suicide, there is at least  a minimum of six suicide loss survivors left behind struggling to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and hearts. I am only one of many. Who I used to did not have the fear of ‘what if dad or family comes up? Is it safe to be honest? I have to say the stigma around suicide is just as painful as the death itself. Suicide has a way of showing you who your real friends and family are.Sadly the person I used to be couldn’t have imagined have all the secondary losses I would have to deal with as a result of the casualties of stigma associated with mental illness and suicide loss. Instead of comfort and love from those closest to you at the mention of the word “suicide” you can be met with uncomfortable looks and awkward silence. As well as the attitude you shouldn’t talk about your or their suicide to avoid making others uncomfortable. Although it is not always explicitly said it is definitely felt

Although I am well aware there are some who would rather I shut up about the realities of suicide loss, mental illness and the affect of not dealing with one’s mental health on our culture. It is necessary for my healing. I also know that part of the reason that my dad is in his grave is his refusal to deal with his emotional  pain in a healthy way and eventually his pain got too great he saw no other way out. Aa much as I understand my dad was unwell I can’t say I am ok or appreciate having to deal with the ramifications of his unhealthy behaviors which will have a lasting effect on me for the rest of my life wether I like it or not. This is something the person I used to be didn’t have to deal with. Dealing with this clusterfuck of complicated emotions can be emotionally and physically exhausting and it doesn’t do my neurological system any favors as I write this what would have been dad’s 54th birthday is fast approaching on 9/17. So I am in self care mode as my neurological system is staging one of Its

protest doctors who  are aware that I have experienced a  suicide loss have assured this is completely normal particularly given I have an undying neurological condition.  I will say i have found comfort in attending suicide loss survivor meeting although i wish none of of us needed to be there.  Under the circumstances I am grateful such meetings exist .